One of the most common sexual concerns men bring to me is: “How do I last longer?”

Usually what they mean is: “How do I stop ejaculating sooner than I’d like?”

And often underneath that question is anxiety - fear of disappointing a partner, fear of “failing”, fear that something is wrong.

But before we dive into techniques and strategies, let me reassure you of something important: There is nothing wrong with you.

Most men who ejaculate quickly are not sexually broken. They are simply:

• overstimulated,
• anxious,
• disconnected from their bodies,
• moving too fast,
• or trying too hard to perform.

The good news is that these things can change.

Lasting Longer Is About Regulation, Not Suppression

Many men approach ejaculation as though they need to somehow fight against their bodies. They tighten up. Force control. Panic. Try to suppress sensation. But sexuality doesn’t work well under pressure.

The goal is not to become numb or disconnected from pleasure. The goal is to become more connected:

• to your body,
• your breath,
• your arousal,
• your nervous system,
• and your partner.

This is about regulation, not suppression.

Learn to “Swim in the Pleasure”

One of the most important skills men can develop is learning to stay relaxed within high pleasure.

Most men either:

• stay too disconnected from arousal, or
• shoot rapidly from low arousal to orgasm.

Instead, I encourage men to learn to “swim in the pleasure.”

Imagine your arousal on a scale from 1–10.

At 10, ejaculation is inevitable. The sweet spot is usually around: 7–8 out of 10. That’s where you feel:

• deeply aroused,
• highly pleasurable,
• turned on,
• connected,
• and alive—

without tipping over the edge too quickly.

Learning to stay in this zone is one of the keys to lasting longer.

Slow Down

One of the biggest reasons men ejaculate quickly is simply: they are going too fast.

Porn, movies and performance culture often teach men that sex should involve:

• relentless thrusting,
• fast intensity,
• and building constantly toward climax.

But in reality, no man can sustain highly stimulating “hard shagging” for very long. It’s simply too stimulating for the nervous system.

Good lovers vary the pace. They:

• slow down,
• tease,
• pause,
• change rhythm,
• change depth,
• and stay responsive to the moment.

Interestingly, slower pacing is often more pleasurable for both partners.

For example:

• deep, small thrusts can feel intensely satisfying for a woman while being less overstimulating for the man.
• lingering, teasing and slowing down often builds erotic tension beautifully.

Great sex is rarely rushed.

Use Pauses as Part of the Lovemaking

Many men panic the moment they feel themselves getting close to orgasm. Instead, learn to recognise your rising arousal earlier and gently reset before you hit the point of no return.

This might involve:

• pausing movement,
• slowing down,
• changing position,
• breathing deeply,
• or simply stopping for a moment.

And importantly: don’t make the pause awkward. Use it erotically.

Smile. Kiss. Look into each other’s eyes. Stroke each other. Breathe together.

This transforms the “pause” from a failure into part of the lovemaking itself.

Breathe

Breath is one of the most powerful tools for regulating arousal.

When men become highly stimulated, they often:

• tense up,
• hold their breath,
• or breathe shallowly.

This pushes the nervous system further toward overload.

Instead:

• slow your breathing,
• breathe deeply into your belly,
• relax your body,
• and allow the pleasure to spread through you rather than concentrating only in the penis.

Many men find it helpful to imagine breathing the pleasurable energy through the whole body rather than letting it build narrowly at the tip of the penis.

Work With Your Pelvic Floor

Your pelvic floor muscles play an important role in arousal and ejaculation.

Rather than clenching hard in panic, learn to become aware of these muscles and work with them more subtly.

Gentle awareness and regulation of the pelvic floor can help men feel:

• more connected,
• more embodied,
• and less overwhelmed by rising arousal.

Stay Embodied

One of the most important things for lasting longer is: stay in your body.

Many men become trapped in their heads during sex:

• monitoring performance,
• worrying,
• anticipating orgasm,
• or trying to control everything mentally.

But sexuality works best when you are present. Feel:

• your body,
• your breath,
• your partner’s skin,
• the emotional connection,
• the pleasure moving through you.

Stay connected to the whole experience rather than fixating only on ejaculation.

Your Penis Is Your Partner, Not Your Enemy

Many men develop an adversarial relationship with their penis.

They feel:

• betrayed by it,
• frustrated with it,
• ashamed of it,
• or frightened it will “misbehave.”

One client once described his penis as: “a useless piece of meat.”

But your penis is not your enemy. It’s your partner. You and your penis are a team.

The more connected you become with your body and sexuality, the less your penis feels like an out-of-control creature acting independently from you.

One playful practice I sometimes suggest is to “take your penis for a walk.”

As absurd as it sounds, simply becoming more aware of your penis throughout life helps build connection and embodiment.

When you feel alive, relaxed, joyful, sensual and present in life generally, your sexuality becomes more integrated too.

Lasting longer starts outside the bedroom.

Solo Cultivation

One of the best ways to develop sexual awareness is through mindful masturbation, or what the ancient Taoists called: solo cultivation.

Rather than rushing toward orgasm, solo cultivation involves:

• slowing down,
• staying present,
• exploring arousal levels,
• practicing breath awareness,
• relaxing tension,
• and learning how your body responds.

This helps men become:

• less reactive,
• more embodied,
• more regulated,
• and more confident sexually.

Like any skill, it improves with practice.

And If You Ejaculate Too Quickly?

Then what?

You haven’t failed.

One of the worst things couples can do is treat ejaculation as “the end.”

If your partner wants to continue:

• use your hands,
• your mouth,
• toys,
• touch,
• cuddles,
• sensuality,
• and connection.

Great lovers are not defined by how long they can thrust. They are defined by:

• presence,
• responsiveness,
• generosity,
• playfulness,
• and connection.

Real Sex Is Not a Performance

Ultimately, learning to last longer is not about becoming a machine.

It’s about learning how to:

• relax,
• regulate your nervous system,
• stay embodied,
• pace pleasure,
• and remain connected within high arousal.

When men stop treating sex like a performance test and start experiencing it as an embodied relational experience, things often change naturally.

And paradoxically, the less pressure there is around “lasting,” the longer lovemaking tends to last anyway.

Few things create anxiety in men quite like erectile dysfunction.

When a penis doesn’t cooperate, many men immediately spiral into panic and self-doubt. Something must be wrong. I’m failing. My partner will think I’m not attracted to them. Our sex life is over.

But before we catastrophise, let’s start with something very important: Sometimes penises have a rest. And that is completely normal.

Erections are not machines. They are responsive biological processes deeply connected to the nervous system, emotional state, energy levels, stress, relationship dynamics, health, ageing, and overall wellbeing.

Yet our culture places enormous pressure on men to perform sexually on demand. The penis is expected to rise instantly, stay hard indefinitely, and only ejaculate at precisely the “right” moment. If it doesn’t, many men feel they have failed.

That pressure itself is often the problem.

Pressure Kills Arousal

One of the biggest causes of erectile difficulties is anxiety.

When we become overly focused on “performing,” the nervous system shifts out of relaxed arousal and into stress mode. Instead of enjoying pleasure, connection, and sensation, the mind starts monitoring:

• Am I hard enough?
• Will I lose it?
• What if I can’t perform?
• What will my partner think?

At that point, sex starts to feel less like intimacy and more like an exam.

And the autonomic nervous system simply doesn’t function well under pressure.

This is why erectile difficulties are often connected to:

• stress,
• exhaustion,
• overwork,
• anxiety,
• relationship tension,
• or emotional disconnection.

In many cases, the penis is not “broken.” The nervous system is overwhelmed.

Ladies: It’s  Not About You

One of the most common relational problems around erectile difficulties is that partners often personalise them.

A woman may think:

• He’s not attracted to me.
• I’m not sexy enough.
• He doesn’t desire me anymore.

But in most cases, erectile changes have far more to do with stress, fatigue, pressure, ageing, or anxiety than attraction.

The worst thing couples can do is panic together.

The best thing they can do is stay connected, affectionate, playful, and emotionally close.

Because connection creates arousal.

Focus Less on Erection and More on Connection

So many men come to me worried about what their penis is doing - or not doing. Erections, ejaculation, performance, “lasting long enough.” It’s as though sex has been reduced to a set of KPIs to measure against:

Did it get up? Did it stay up? Did it finish in the “right” way?

This kind of focus creates the very opposite of what good sex requires.

When we monitor our genitals like a performance review, we disconnect from ourselves and our partners. We stop feeling and start evaluating.

But sex is not a sporting event.

It’s a meeting place of bodies, emotions, nervous systems, affection, playfulness and presence.

And paradoxically, when couples stop obsessing over erections, erections often return more naturally.

Because what creates arousal is not pressure.

It’s warmth. Safety. Relaxation. Pleasure. Connection.

The Pleasure of a Soft Cock

There is also another important shift that can transform sexual relationships:

A soft penis is not a failed penis.

There can be enormous pleasure in softness.

A soft cock is warm, sensitive, responsive and pleasurable to touch. Men can still experience pleasure without full erection. Partners can still kiss, stroke, lick, touch, cuddle, breathe together, use hands, mouths, toys, fingers, bodies and imagination.

Great sex does not suddenly end because an erection changes.

In fact, some couples discover that once they stop obsessing about penetration and performance, their lovemaking becomes more creative, intimate and connected than ever before.

I once had a lovely man call into a radio program and explain proudly that after becoming impotent following prostate removal, he and his wife ended up having better sex than ever — because he “learned to use his hands’!

That’s the thing about good lovers: they are responsive, not rigid.

Move Beyond the Linear Script

Much of the pressure around erections comes from a very narrow cultural script about sex.

Foreplay → erection → intercourse → orgasm → success.

Anything else is treated as failure.

But real erotic connection is far more fluid than that.

I encourage couples to move toward what I call non-linear lovemaking:

• Making love without expectiation
• exploring touch without rushing,
• staying playful,
• following pleasure,
• and allowing sexual expression and engagment to ebb and flow naturally.

Sometimes intercourse happens. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes erections come and go.

That’s all part of being human.

Solo Cultivation

One of the most powerful practices for men experiencing erectile difficulties is what the ancient Taoists called solo cultivation.

Rather than using masturbation simply for quick release, solo cultivation involves learning to become more connected with your body, arousal, breath and nervous system.

Instead of rushing toward orgasm, the focus becomes:

• relaxation,
• awareness,
• sensation,
• and learning to regulate arousal rather than panic around it.

This might include:

• slowing down,
• belly breathing,
• relaxing tension in the body,
• noticing levels of arousal,
• staying present with sensation,
• and learning to enjoy pleasure without immediately racing toward ejaculation.

Men who practice this become:

• more embodied,
• more relaxed,
• less performance-focused,
• and more confident in sexual situations.

Not because they are “controlling” the penis harder — but because they are fighting it less.

[You can read details on the practice on my blog post Solo Cultivation - Mindful Masturbation for Men.]

When to Seek Help

Of course, erectile difficulties can sometimes have medical causes and it’s important to rule these out, particularly if the changes are sudden or persistent.

Factors can include:

• cardiovascular disease,
• diabetes,
• medication side effects,
• hormonal changes,
• smoking,
• alcohol,
• sleep problems,
• and general health issues.

Seeing a GP for a medical check-up is always wise.

But alongside the physical dimension, it’s equally important to address:

• stress,
• nervous system regulation,
• relationship dynamics,
• sexual pressure,
• and emotional wellbeing.

Because sexuality is never purely mechanical. It is relational, emotional, psychological and embodied.

Real Sex Is About Connection

Ultimately, the most important shift is this: Take the spotlight off the penis and put it back onto the relationship.

Real sex is not about perfectly functioning genitals.

It’s about two human beings meeting each other with openness, affection, playfulness and presence.

And when couples learn how to create that kind of connection, erections and orgasms often take care of themselves.

So many men come to me worried about what their penis is doing - or not doing. Erections, ejaculation, performance, “lasting long enough.” It's as though sex has been reduced to a set of KPIs to measure against: Did it get up? Did it stay up? Did it finish in the “right” way?

This kind of focus does the very opposite of what good sex requires. When we monitor our genitals like an exam to pass, we create pressure. And pressure kills arousal. Instead of entering into intimacy with curiosity and openness, we clamp down. We disconnect from ourselves and our partners.

What’s missing here is the heart, the mind and the simple magic of connection.

The Problem with Performance Thinking

Our culture has trained us to think of sex as a linear, goal-oriented act: foreplay leads to intercourse, which leads to orgasm, which means success. Anything else is failure. That’s a heavy load to carry into the bedroom.

But sex isn’t a sporting event. It doesn’t need scorecards. It’s a meeting place of bodies, emotions and souls. And when we let go of performance thinking, the pressure eases. The focus shifts from “Am I doing it right?” to “How are we being together?”

Connection Creates Arousal

The paradox is that when we stop obsessing over erections, they tend to show up more reliably. Because what creates arousal isn’t pressure, it’s connection. Warmth, laughter, trust, affection, safety. These are the ingredients that invite the nervous system to relax and open. And from that place, desire and arousal can naturally emerge.

I’ve seen it time and again in my clinic: once couples shift their focus from penis performance to emotional presence, the sexual problems often resolve themselves.

A New Approach to Lovemaking

So what does it look like to move beyond performance and into connection?

• Non-linear lovemaking. Forget the “start here, end there” script. Explore touch, taste, sound, breath - in whatever order feels good.

• Pleasure over outcome. Sex isn’t about “getting off.” It’s about sharing pleasure. Orgasms are wonderful, but they’re an outcome, not the purpose. (As I like to say: if all you want is an orgasm, do it yourself - it’s quicker and easier!)

• Ditch the KPIs. Erections, ejaculation, orgasm - they happen when they happen. They’re not measures of worth or success.

• Prioritise presence. Look into your partner’s eyes. Breathe together. Feel the texture of skin under your fingers. Take your time. This is where intimacy lives.

From Genitals to Connection

When couples come to me distressed by erectile difficulties, the most powerful shift is often the simplest: take the spotlight off the penis, and shine it on the connection. Because when intimacy is rooted in presence, tenderness and play, the body follows.

Real sex is not about “functioning genitals.” It’s about two human beings meeting each other with openness and care. When that becomes the focus, erections and orgasms tend to take care of themselves.

There's so much pressure on penises! They're supposed to rise on command, stay hard for ages, ejaculate at just the right moment... No wonder so many of them have 'performance issues'. I'm so glad I don't have one - well, I do, but it belongs to my partner - but if I had one myself, I'm sure mine would collapse under the pressure too.

So, for a start, I want to stress that it’s totally fine for a penis to have a rest during proceedings. Everything does not have to come to a grinding halt just because the penis isn’t hard. There are plenty of other things you can do: use other parts of the body, focus on other parts of the body, gaze into each other’s eyes while gently running fingers along your beloved’s skin,  have a chat…

Remember, when you move away from the linear model of sex with all its quantitative KPIs and pressure to perform to a non-linear model where the only KPIs are pleasure and connection, then all that matters is what’s happening in this moment and what you are co-creating in this moment. It is seriously so much less pressure. And with that less pressure, paradoxically, the penis is less likely to have a rest, or will rise again if it does.

So take the pressure off!  Make sure you’re in a relaxed environment, you’re taking plenty of time to simply enjoy each other’s company, sinking into yourself to sync in together, breathing slowly and deeply, really paying attention to the connection between you. Allow the arousal to build, no rush, no pressure. Breathe the arousal all through your body. Really feel with your penis when it’s inside your beloved. Feel her holding you warm and snug. Let your love flow through your penis to her and draw the deliciousness of your connection back through it into your own body. 

Not only will this approach mean your penis is more likely to stay hard longer, you are more likely to be able to choose if and when you ejaculate, and you’ll feel so much more pleasure during the proceedings that you really will feel that as pleasurable as an ejaculation is, it is just one delightful part of the extended pleasure of the entirety of lovemaking….

There’s a belief that only queer people need to come out. It’s as if heterosexual is the default, so there’s no need for heterosexuals to examine their sexuality.
 
Even if you are LGBTQI+, coming out is often more about your sexual orientation, which is who you are attracted to, or your gender identity, which is what your internal sense of your gender is, and less about who you really are as a sexual being.
 
When it comes to who you are as a sexual being, well, that’s a totally individual thing. There are eight billion sexual identities on this planet, as we all have a unique sexual identity.
 
And that sexual identity is not a static thing, it changes and evolves over your lifetime. Who are you as a sexual being at 18 is going to be different at 80. Who you are as a sexual being when you have babies and toddlers is going to be different to when you’re an empty nester. Who you are as a sexual being at the start of a relationship is going to be different to who you are fifteen years into a relationship. Importantly, no stage is better or ‘more sexual’ than another, it’s just different.
 
At least, it is if you are actively engaged with the concept of who you are as a sexual being, rather just being in default mode. Default mode is when you are simply responsive to what comes to you, either in terms of what happens to be going on in your body, or in terms of what your partner is or isn’t presenting to you. And much of this will be based on a lack of quality sexual understanding but rather a whole lot of myths around what it is to be ‘sexual’ or not.
 
To be actively engaged in your sexuality is to really pay attention to what is right for you, both in general and in the moment. And you need to be equally aware of your partner’s sexuality, both in general and in the moment.
 
And while much of that is to do with behaviours, what you like to do or don’t like to do, it’s actually way more subtle and layered than that. What style of sexuality do you prefer – more playful, more sensual, more raunchy? What about the pacing – faster, slower? How do you like it at different stages of a sexual encounter, particularly in the lead-up? What even is a lead-up for you? How about time of day? What you’ve eaten? What kind of atmosphere? What do you need to not be distracted, to not be tired, to feel connected? How do you need your relationship to be? How do you know when you’re done? What do you like to do or not do afterwards? How is your sexuality different during the week versus on weekends, when you’re on holidays versus work weeks? How frequently do you tend to want to engage sexually and how do you like to relate in between? What even is ‘sex’ to you and why do you do it?
 
All these questions and more are so important to clarifying who you are as a sexual being. You might like to go through the questions above alone or with your partner. Consider how you might have answered differently in the past and how you might answer in the future. You’ll probably find that your discussion ranges wider than these questions alone. You might find yourself identifying beliefs that may or may not be helpful, events from your past that have affected how you see yourself as a sexual being either positively or negatively. You might find you’ve made assumptions about yourself and very likely you’ve made assumptions about your partner if you have one.
 
This process will highlight and clear negative energies around shame, guilt, fear, compulsion, entitlement, sadness, trauma, and through that will enhance positive energies of pleasure, connection, joy, bliss, zest, contentedness. And you will also examine your lifestyle to make changes to enhance the good and remove the bad. It’s a fascinating and wonderful process.
 
Try it on your own, and if you find you’d like some support, see me or my colleagues at the LoveLife Clinic, do one of my online courses, or attend one of my wonderful Couples Retreats!

Seriously. Yes, you read that correctly: guys, take your penis for a walk. No not on a leash (unless you’re a bit kinky!)

What do I mean by that rather absurd suggestion? I mean, get connected with your penis.

As you go out and about, be aware of your penis. As you feel the warmth of the sun, notice your penis feeling it too. When you savour your coffee, notice your penis savouring it too. When you observe the women around you and feel their feminine energy, have your penis feel it too. When you feel the power of swimming laps or going for a run or pumping weights, have your penis feel the power too. When you’re cheering your team on and getting excited at a goal, feel your penis cheering along. When you’re sharing a laugh with mates or at the movies, your penis laughs along with you. When you’re feeling thoughtful and reflective, your penis is meditative too.

It sounds strange, but the more you do this, the more connected you will become with your penis. Rather than it being an out-of-control creature with a mind of its own, it will become your partner in pleasure. You’ll be a team.

Then, when you’re making love to your woman, your penis will be on your side, you’ll be connected. You’ll really be present in your penis; in fact you’ll be connected to your whole body - and you’ll feel a lot more. When you’re connected and present within yourself, you can connect a lot better with your partner and she’ll feel it too. Then it becomes a positive feedback loop for both of you, and sex becomes truly awesome.

It starts outside the bedroom. Take your penis for a walk.

*******

And ladies, can I suggest you take your imaginary penis for a walk. It’s a good experience to imagine that you have a penis and wander around with it for a while. What do you notice? Probably the first thing is that you walk with your legs a bit wider!

When I get women to do this in workshops, they’re often surprised at how real it feels, and also how vulnerable it feels. Women aren’t used to having their genitals so exposed, so it can be a shock to even imagine it.

Women have often said to me that it’s changed the way they look at penises: they become less scary and more approachable. There is a tenderness and a respect that wasn’t there before. Try it.

Download Audio: Take Your Penis for a Walk!

Download Audio: Q&A: My Husband Can't Keep an Erection, and He Smokes Lots of Marajuana

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years and recently he's wanted a lot more sex. At first, I thought it was great, but he can't seem to keep his erection up and I can't help but feel disappointed. He's started smoking marijuana a lot more heavily lately - could this be to blame? What can I do?"

Answer: There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'. No wonder so many men suffer from performance anxiety!

As a society we’re adding to that pressure with all the porn that’s being watched, with endless footage of big hard cocks that appear to last for hours (never mind the reality that there are teams of women off set whose sole role is to keep the leads hard). And even on a more positive note, now that we quite rightly acknowledge the female partner’s right to pleasure, that can also add to pressure.

So, let’s take the pressure off your partner’s penis by looking at sex more holistically and what you can do as a couple to reduce any pressure he might be feeling.

But first, let’s address your question about marijuana and erections. Smoking marijuana can increase desire, which may be why he’s more interested lately (in many men though it can have the opposite effect, so readers, please don’t take up smoking pot to increase desire!). Theoretically it could adversely affect erections as there are cannabinoid receptors in the smooth muscle tissue of the penis. However, there isn’t much scientific evidence to show that this does happen.

But, and this is a big but, if he mixes the marijuana with tobacco, then the tobacco could be affecting his erections. Smoking tobacco restricts blood flow to the veins and arteries, and if there is one part of the body you want good flow to, it’s the penis! Men who smoke tobacco are much more likely to have erectile problems.

At a psychological level, some people find that smoking pot increases anxiety. So, if he’s having sex when stoned and some performance anxiety kicks in, it could be worse than if he’s sober.

On the topic of anxiety, I’m curious as to why he’s smoking so much. Is he more stressed in life? Does he feel he needs it to relax? Because if that’s the case, the underlying stress is still there even if he’s covering it by getting stoned. It’s even possible that stress is lowering his libido so he’s smoking to increase it, possibly to please you, and is indirectly putting more pressure on himself.

As you can see, there are a lot of unknowns here, so you two really need to get talking. I’d be talking to him at two levels. Firstly, why is he smoking heavily? What’s going on in life that he feels he needs it. Is there underlying stress or anxiety that he is effectively self-medicating for? Based on that discussion, you may well be able to work together to reduce his stress and that could have the outcome of a more satisfying sex life. Professional help could help him and you as a couple if this is a challenge for you.

The other important topic of discussion is: how does he feel about sex and how you engage sexually as a couple? Explore what’s going on for him throughout the varies stages of your sexual encounter. Are there moments or periods of stress? How can you support him to ease those feelings and return to a calmly engaged state? Do either or both of you have unrealistic expectations?

Get more information on what’s going on for him (and you) so that you can look at ways to do it differently. Get used to the fact that penises rise and fall, get used to making love with a soft penis. There are so many ways to have sex without an erection (hey, lesbians do it all the time!).

If you want something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, he can use his hands! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dexterous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry and grab a carrot, or a zucchini, or a … you get the picture!

I was on talk back radio once and a lovely man called up to say ever since he became impotent due to a heart condition, he and his wife had been having better sex than ever, because he’d become so skilful with his hands!

The erection, like quality sex, will ebb and flow. As your lovemaking becomes more fluid and responsive, you’ll flow with the state of the penis - if it’s hard, go for the shag, if it’s not, go for the myriad other pleasures that don’t require a rock-hard cock.

You’ll find that with this attitude, paradoxically there will be less stress and therefore more erections anyway!

Download Audio: The Pleasure of a Soft Cock