Many women come into my clinic worried that menopause has “killed” their libido.

They say things like:

• “I just don’t feel interested anymore.”
• “I never get horny.”
• “Something’s wrong with me.”
• “I've lost my libido.”

But after many years of working with women through this life stage, I’ve come to a rather different understanding.

Often what women are really saying is: “I don’t want that kind of sex anymore.”

Not rushed sex. Not pressured sex. Not performative sex. Not obligation sex. Not disconnected sex.

Menopause is not  the end of sexuality. Very often, it is the end of tolerating bad sex and evolving into great sex.

Menopause Is a Transition, Not a Sexual Death Sentence

Hormonal changes during menopause absolutely affect sexuality. Bodies change. Arousal changes. Lubrication changes. Energy changes.

But change does not equal loss. In fact, many women discover that sexuality becomes:

• richer,
• slower,
• more embodied,
• more intentional,
• more emotionally connected,
• and ultimately more satisfying than before.

The problem is that our culture tends to define sexuality through a very youthful lens:

• spontaneous horniness,
• high intensity,
• performance,
• speed,
• and physical perfection.

So when sexuality starts changing, many women assume something has gone wrong.

But perhaps what’s actually happening is evolution.

Spontaneous vs Responsive Desire

One of the most important concepts for understanding menopause and sexuality is the difference between:

• spontaneous desire, and
• responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is when arousal seems to appear out of nowhere: “I’m horny. I want sex.”

This is the type of desire our culture tends to glorify.

Responsive desire is different.

With responsive desire, arousal emerges gradually in response to:

• connection,
• touch,
• affection,
• relaxation,
• sensuality,
• emotional closeness,
• or erotic stimulation.

Many women find that during and after menopause, spontaneous desire decreases while responsive desire becomes much more important.

This is often why women think: “I’ve lost my libido.”

But frequently they haven’t lost desire at all. They simply no longer become spontaneously aroused in the same way they may have earlier in life.

And interestingly, women who were always more naturally responsive in their sexual arousal often adapt to menopause more easily than women who relied heavily on spontaneous arousal.

Slow Down and Take Your Time

Menopause can actually become an invitation into a more mature style of lovemaking. One that is:

• slower,
• more spacious,
• less goal-oriented,
• and more focused on pleasure and connection.

I often say: sex should age like a fine wine.

When wine ages well, it becomes more complex, layered and nuanced. You savour it rather than guzzle it down.

Mature sexuality can be the same. At this stage of life, many couples finally have:

• more privacy,
• fewer parenting demands,
• more confidence,
• more self-awareness,
• and more freedom to truly explore what feels good.

And perhaps most importantly: less interest in performing.

Create the Conditions for Desire

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is waiting for lust to magically descend before initiating intimacy.

But long-term sexuality usually doesn’t work that way — particularly after menopause. So instead of waiting passively for desire to appear, it helps to actively create the conditions that allow desire to emerge. This means:

• slowing down,
• reducing stress,
• creating emotional connection,
• enjoying sensual touch,
• flirting,
• cuddling,
• talking,
• laughing,
• and cultivating an overall sex-friendly relationship.

Desire grows much more easily in relationships where warmth, affection and connection are already flowing.

Work With Your Body, Not Against It

Bodies change with menopause. Rather than fighting those changes, work creatively and compassionately with them.

For example:

• If you’re hotter than usual, put the air conditioning on.
• If hot flushes are an issue, shower sex can feel wonderful.
• Lubricant often becomes much more important — so keep it nearby and make applying it part of the erotic play rather than an awkward interruption.
• Take your time with arousal and touch.
• Focus on the whole body, not just the genitals.

And one rather lovely benefit: you can’t get pregnant anymore.

For many women, this creates a whole new sense of freedom and relaxation around sex.

Men Are Changing Too

It’s also important to remember that menopause doesn’t happen in isolation. 

At the same stage of life, many men are also experiencing hormonal, emotional and sexual changes sometimes referred to as the andropause. Erections may become less predictable. Recovery time may lengthen. Stress and fatigue may impact arousal more easily.

But this can actually support the evolution toward slower, more connected, more relational lovemaking. So instead of trying to recreate the sexuality of your twenties, this stage of life offers the possibility of creating something deeper:

• more conscious,
• more embodied,
• more intimate,
• and more emotionally fulfilling.

Menopause as Liberation

For many women, menopause becomes a profound turning point. A time of:

• greater confidence,
• stronger boundaries,
• deeper self-knowledge,
• and less willingness to accommodate experiences that don’t truly nourish them.

Rather than the end of erotic life, menopause can become the beginning of a more authentic one. One less driven by performance and expectation. And more guided by pleasure, connection, embodiment and truth.

Sexuality does not have to disappear with age. Instead, it can mature into something truly worth savouring.

We tend to think that the definition of ‘libido’ is sex drive, how much you want sex, or how often you get horny. But the original meaning of the word libido is life force energy. I think that is a much better way to conceptualise libido.

In the oriental traditions they say that the sexual energy is transformed into the life energy, the chi or ki. That’s what I notice clinically too. When people are flat, exhausted, stressed, depressed, their life force is low and they tend not to want sex. When people are engaged and joyful and connected, then they tend to be open to sex. Interestingly, I do see people with low life force who want sex, but it’s usually to relieve stress or because they’re bored and want a ‘hit’; and I see people with high life force who say they don’t want sex, but that’s usually because their concept of sex isn’t appealing or their experience of it hasn’t been great.

So, anything you do that enhances your life force will enhance your libido.

Being is nature is a great way to do this. Nature is full of life force – it’s where life comes from! Bathing in nature’s life force is so enhancing of our own.

I just spent two weeks camping in central Australia. It was a total experience of this libidinal life force! There was the vast open desert, incredible rock formations, hidden gorges, oases, towering river red gums, multitudes of wildflowers, wallabies, emu, and so many different birds… Waking up to the dawn chorus of birdsong, walking all day and sitting around an open fire as the sun set, were such connected, spiritual experiences.

It's bathing in nature. It’s cleansing the spirit and the soul with nature. It’s allowing freshness and goodness and joy to permeate and fill your being. It’s libido, being in tune with life and nature, untarnished with the stress and negative energies of modern living.

The more you can bring this into your life the better. With plants, art, good food, beautiful relaxing spaces, music. And making love in the way I advocate! Not some sordid pornfest but connected, slow, intimate (which can also be playful and wild and wicked, the two aren’t mutually exclusive) – real, authentic, deep and light, blissful and transcendent. For some couples, objects like Lovehoney’s or Lelo's couples toys are simply gentle props in that shared exploration, not a substitute for connection, but another way to play with curiosity and pleasure together. What matters is that both of you feel safe, relaxed, and listened to, so desire can unfold in its own time. When you treat intimacy as a shared creative practice, it becomes less about ticking boxes and more about meeting each other again and again, fully alive.

Sex like this is also life force-enhancing, libido-enhancing, so it becomes a positive feedback loop, enhancing all of life and love!

It's why my LoveLife Clinic is full of plants and has beautiful views of trees, why my own home blurs the boundaries of garden and house, and why I hold my retreats in beautiful locations surrounded by nature. I encourage you to create this in your own life too!

When you know it’s time to welcome your lover into your depths, when you’re yearning to be filled, then, and only then do you invite your lover in…and as he enters you envelop his penis with your vagina, holding it warm and soft and wet…

Now that ain’t ‘penetration’!

Regular readers will know how I loathe the word penetration being used for sex. It literally means ‘breaking through resistance’. It’s appropriate if you think sex is something a man does to an unwilling woman – force himself into a resistant vagina and essentially masturbate there. Ugh. Not the approach to sex that I advocate!

 So let’s go back to my opening paragraph. Notice the language. Nothing aggressive there. It is soft and inviting. And it’s not one-sided, it’s not something a man does to a woman. It’s totally mutual. There is equal agency. He enters and she envelops. And that entering and enveloping is done when both partners are ready. She knows when she is ready and invites him in, then he accepts, or they wait if he’s not yet ready.

No expectation, no obligation, no going faster than either of you need. Just an awareness of self, an attention to other, a communication and a coming together with pleasure. In this way you are co-creating psychological safety, which allows for relaxation, vulnerability and openness. These are the conditions from which the greatest intimacy and pleasure comes.

This doesn’t just apply to heterosexual intercourse, it applies whenever anyone of any gender enters into the other’s personal space. The more personal that space, and particularly when you are entering another person’s body, the more essential it is that you wait for the invitation and then allow yourself to be welcomed in.

Notice in your own life if there is this mutuality. Is there invitation? Is there welcoming? Is there envelopment? 

 If there is – excellent! If there isn’t, then start to shift the way you engage. If you need help along the way, come to me for private sessions, online courses and retreats.

There’s a belief that only queer people need to come out. It’s as if heterosexual is the default, so there’s no need for heterosexuals to examine their sexuality.
 
Even if you are LGBTQI+, coming out is often more about your sexual orientation, which is who you are attracted to, or your gender identity, which is what your internal sense of your gender is, and less about who you really are as a sexual being.
 
When it comes to who you are as a sexual being, well, that’s a totally individual thing. There are eight billion sexual identities on this planet, as we all have a unique sexual identity.
 
And that sexual identity is not a static thing, it changes and evolves over your lifetime. Who are you as a sexual being at 18 is going to be different at 80. Who you are as a sexual being when you have babies and toddlers is going to be different to when you’re an empty nester. Who you are as a sexual being at the start of a relationship is going to be different to who you are fifteen years into a relationship. Importantly, no stage is better or ‘more sexual’ than another, it’s just different.
 
At least, it is if you are actively engaged with the concept of who you are as a sexual being, rather just being in default mode. Default mode is when you are simply responsive to what comes to you, either in terms of what happens to be going on in your body, or in terms of what your partner is or isn’t presenting to you. And much of this will be based on a lack of quality sexual understanding but rather a whole lot of myths around what it is to be ‘sexual’ or not.
 
To be actively engaged in your sexuality is to really pay attention to what is right for you, both in general and in the moment. And you need to be equally aware of your partner’s sexuality, both in general and in the moment.
 
And while much of that is to do with behaviours, what you like to do or don’t like to do, it’s actually way more subtle and layered than that. What style of sexuality do you prefer – more playful, more sensual, more raunchy? What about the pacing – faster, slower? How do you like it at different stages of a sexual encounter, particularly in the lead-up? What even is a lead-up for you? How about time of day? What you’ve eaten? What kind of atmosphere? What do you need to not be distracted, to not be tired, to feel connected? How do you need your relationship to be? How do you know when you’re done? What do you like to do or not do afterwards? How is your sexuality different during the week versus on weekends, when you’re on holidays versus work weeks? How frequently do you tend to want to engage sexually and how do you like to relate in between? What even is ‘sex’ to you and why do you do it?
 
All these questions and more are so important to clarifying who you are as a sexual being. You might like to go through the questions above alone or with your partner. Consider how you might have answered differently in the past and how you might answer in the future. You’ll probably find that your discussion ranges wider than these questions alone. You might find yourself identifying beliefs that may or may not be helpful, events from your past that have affected how you see yourself as a sexual being either positively or negatively. You might find you’ve made assumptions about yourself and very likely you’ve made assumptions about your partner if you have one.
 
This process will highlight and clear negative energies around shame, guilt, fear, compulsion, entitlement, sadness, trauma, and through that will enhance positive energies of pleasure, connection, joy, bliss, zest, contentedness. And you will also examine your lifestyle to make changes to enhance the good and remove the bad. It’s a fascinating and wonderful process.
 
Try it on your own, and if you find you’d like some support, see me or my colleagues at the LoveLife Clinic, do one of my online courses, or attend one of my wonderful Couples Retreats!

"Oh, yeah, oh yeah, that’s good, oh yeah, mmm, oh, yeah, oh god oh god, mmm, mmm..."

It’s hard to convey in writing – so listen to the podcast – but those moans and groans during sex are so sexy. It’s a turn-on for your partner to hear them and it actually makes the experience more pleasurable for you too.

Why? Well, firstly we all like to know that our partner is enjoying themselves when we’re having sex with them, no-one wants to have sex with someone who isn’t enjoying it, particularly if it’s your beloved – and it’s a sexual confidence-builder to know that we’re good at pleasuring our partner. It’s a pleasure to pleasure!

And then, it feels better for us as individuals when we make sounds. Why? Because we’re opening and releasing. We’re breathing, we’re letting the feeling, the pleasure, the energy flow and that creates more good feeling. If you’re feeling tight and holding it in, then there’s no flow and no release.

It’s particularly good when we let the sounds come from deep in our torso. The higher sounds which come from high in our torso or throat, are good, but see what it’s like when you drop down into your belly and pelvis and let the sounds come from deep within. Notice how the feeling changes when the sound changes in tone, strength, loudness and so forth.

Now, I want to make an important point here - some people think that vocalising during sex needs to be some kind of pornified ‘dirty talk’, sleazy, often denigrating ‘do me big boy’ or ‘take this you dirty slut’ kind of talk. Look, if that’s your thing, fine, but for most people it’s not their thing, particularly not with someone they love. That kind of talk is a big turn off, not a turn on.

Another common problem with trying to be vocal during sex, is thinking that you have to use words. Again, if you do like that and can do it no problem, then go for it. If you like telling stories while having sex and it keeps you present and connected, that’s great. It’s certainly easier to do if you are giving focused pleasure to your partner and not receiving it yourself. But when you’re receiving pleasure, either because your partner is focused on you manually or orally or because you are engaged in mutual activity like intercourse, lots of people can’t speak without losing the mood.

I suspect that this is because when you’ve moved into that erotic altered state of consciousness, had the ‘erotic shift’ that I described in the last blog post, then you’ve moved from the logical, focused left-hemisphere of your brain  to the broader, less-boundaried right-side of the brain (see my article Bonking on the Right Side of the Brain for more on this). The speech centres are in the left side of the brain, so if you’re in the right side your speech centres aren’t engaged. So to be able to speak you have to move your awareness to the left-side to engage the speech centres, you have to draw yourself out of a broad, euphoric, unfocused state, to an alert focused one, and you lose all that lovely rapturous trance-link feeling.

So, what’s the solution? Simple, use your breath. On the out breath, let out a sound. Experiment with deep and high tones, closed mouth ‘mmm’s and open mouth ‘ah’s. Then add some simple words that can come out with thinking about it – yeah, good, oh god, type of thing. (Listen to my podcast version to hear me demonstrate verbally.) Practise it alone, so you can get used to the feeling and don’t feel awkward. Or for a bit of fun, sit opposite your partner and practice it together – it can be really arousing!

But what if it gets too noisy, you might ask. Well, that’s what pillows and cushions are for, especially those little ones that sit in front of the big pillows on the bed, they are perfect for holding over your mouth and moaning into when you want to let it all out!

Mmm...

From my column in Body+Soul

Question:I am 45 years old and have been single for 8 years since my marriage ended – I’ve been so busy raising my two kids and working it wasn’t really an issue. But now I want back in the dating game. I hate the fact that if I died tomorrow my ex-husband would be my last sexual partner. Question is… how on earth do I do it? Dating sites just don't do it for me, they seem too risky. I don’t have any physical issues, but I’m aware my body isn’t what it used to be. So how do I get my confidence back? I’m not necessarily looking for a relationship - just some action!

Answer: I had a client once who said she felt “like a very experienced virgin”. She’d had lots of sex in her life, but so long ago that facing the prospect of getting sexually active felt like being a virgin all over again.

With more people having serial relationships these days, the challenge of finding new partners is common. And as you point out, the two key issues are: how to feel confident and how to actually meet someone.

First up, the confidence issue. That’s a big one for women in our society where we’re constantly bombarded with unreal expectations of beauty. There’s an impossible quest for perfection, for an eternally smooth, taut youthful body. Yet, what men find the most attractive in a woman is less about the ‘perfection’ of her body and much more about how she feels about it. I run women’s workshop where I have a panel of men. Inevitably there is the question of “what do you find the most desirable in a woman?”. The immediate answer from all the men is always ‘confidence!’.

Keep in mind too, that the men you’ll be seeing are also aging – losing their hair, getting paunchier, more wrinkles. It happens to all of us! Yet our bodies have also lived, birthed children, had adventurers, carried us through life this far and will continue to do so to the end of our days. That’s a pretty miraculous thing and something to be always grateful for. Tapping into that appreciation of our bodies is what brings confidence. We can always decorate the outside with clothes and make-up and hair-styles if we want, but it’s on the inside where the confidence lies.

Now, with confidence (reasonably) intact, what about the vexing question of where to find a man? Well, you could walk into any pub in the land and call out “I want sex, who’s willing?” and no doubt you’d get laid pretty quickly! But I’m assuming you’re more discerning than that, and want to meet men who you actually like.

These days online dating is a good way to meet people. If risk is your biggest concern, then make sure you get to know a man through texting and phone calls. You only meet once you have a good feeling for him, and that’s less a ‘date’ and more a low-key catch-up to see if you click in real life. Meet for a coffee, a walk in the park, check out an art exhibition – whatever you find appealing and not too intense.

If you’d prefer to meet someone IRL (dating lingo for ‘in real life’), then the important thing is to get out and meet new people. The best way to do that is to do things that you enjoy. If you meet him doing things you enjoy then it means he does too, and that’s a good basis for a relationship. At the very least you’ll make new friends through the activities and potentially meet someone through the new friendships.

Before all that though, here’s an exercise you’ll find invaluable: draw up two columns, one for ‘him’ and one for ‘me’. In the ‘him’ column write down all the things you’d like in a man. This is not a check-list, it’s so you can get a felt sense of the kind of man you want to be with. This way you’ll be much more likely to recognise him when you meet him! And the ‘me’ column is important because you need to know what it is about youthat is going to make you a good match for him.

Then, the attraction can begin!

Download Audio: Q&A: How Do I Get My Mojo Back?

1 May 2019

Today I am 55 years of age. It feels somehow special. I feel I’ve ‘arrived’ at a new stage somehow. I didn’t feel this when I turned 50, although that was significant too. Fifty-five feels strong, wise, powerful.

I woke up with the phrase 'Own the Crone' going through my mind.

It comes from the three classical stages of woman: maiden, mother and crone.

It’s the ‘maiden’, the young woman, who has been considered the most desirable, the most sexual in our society. We glorify youth, the beauty, the vibrancy of the young. That’s what’s considered sexually desirable.

The ‘mother’ phase of a woman’s life, well, this has been when she's considered the most ‘useful’ – as long as she had children of course, god forbid if she didn’t and remained a ‘spinster’. But was she sexual? Ah, no.

And as for the crone, that dried up older woman. What use was she? She’s past it, a post-menopausal has-been.

Hardly! I’ve never felt more confident, more capable, healthier or more sexually juiced up in my life! So, I’m coming out loud and proud about my age to be a beacon of inspiration for women of all ages.

I know I’ve reached this stage so hale and hearty of mind, body and soul because I’ve attended to all aspects of my being through all stages of my life. I’ve treated my body as a temple, got in touch with my emotions, developed my intellect and cultivated my spirituality. I’ve pursued purposeful work, had meaningful relationships and connected with nature. It has been an holistic, integrated approach to life.

And I’ve always sensed the importance of a quality sex life as part of that. Over the years my sexuality has changed, depending on whatever was going on in life. When I was young it was more straightforward and physical. When I had young children, it was simpler and more tender. As I grew older and more adventurous, I explored all types of more ‘exotic’ sexual experiences. And in more recent years it has evolved into experiences of the most beautiful depth and richness, experiences of extraordinary mindful, bodyful, soulfulness.

I do believe that when the Eastern traditions say that our sexual energy is transmuted into our life energy, they are right. Keeping our sexual energy flowing keeps our life energy flowing. Sexual energy is a pro-creative energy. Not just for creating new life in the form of children, but for creating our own life and everything in it, keeping us vibrant and creatively engaged with life.

No ‘anti-aging’ products or cosmetic surgery for me. I’m owning the crone!

Download Audio: Own the Crone

Download Audio: Porn Star versus Prude